


Because Jamaican Me Crazy

by Chasyn



Category: Star Trek 2009
Genre: Bad Aliens, Bad Jokes, Bad Pick-Up Lines, Dirty Jokes, M/M, Mostly to make me laugh, Pick-Up Lines, This Is STUPID, This is just to make me laugh, also, but there is a plot, really - Freeform, sorta - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-21
Updated: 2014-07-22
Packaged: 2018-02-09 20:23:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1996635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chasyn/pseuds/Chasyn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It started as harmless flirting. Well actually, it started out as a game to Kirk to get a rise out of Spock by using the worst pick-up lines ever. But if you say something enough times, does it become true? Warnings for language and gayness. And badness. And junk. Really, this is just to make me laugh.  Originally inspired by Wanna B Ur Lovr by Weird Al.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Boy, You Must Be Jamaican

**Author's Note:**

> The tags say it all. I started this last year to make me laugh. I need to laugh more so I'm working on it again and will start posting it here.

"Captain… are you ill?"

Jim didn't glance up from his PADD as he heard the Vulcan's voice. He was sitting silently, hunched over a table in the library. The hour was approaching late and he was the only occupant. He scrolled through the lines of text on his PADD, scanning the words. "Healthy as a horse." He answered evenly, still not moving to acknowledge his intruder.

Spock furrowed his brows and tilted his head slightly. "That is a cliché I don't understand. Horses are prone to a number of diseases and ailments caused by the simplest things."

He let out a sigh as he leaned back in his chair. "Spock… I'm in the middle of something. What do you need?"

Spock linked his hands behind his back and stood. "Nothing, Captain." He said evenly.

"Good." Jim continued scrolling and scanning. He was so engrossed in his studies that Spock's presence slipped him mind.

Nearly ten minutes passed in which Spock didn't move. "Captain…" He ventured softly, certain now that something was amiss. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes." Jim answered absently.

If Spock allowed himself to feel frustration, he would be feeling it. "What exactly are you doing?"

"Reading." He wasn't giving anything away.

"That much I ascertained." Spock stepped closer towards the Captain. He was worried that something was wrong, but it didn't show. "But what and why? It is a… very rare occurrence for you. I don't recall ever seeing you so intently studying something in your spare time."

"Maybe I just feel like it." Jim slammed his fist down on the table and rose to his feet. "If there is nothing else." He stepped around Spock and headed for the door.

"Captain…" Spock seemed to hesitate a moment. It was a very human moment for him. Now his worry was visible, as he turned to watch the Captain leave. He couldn't read him. But something was wrong! He pushed the doubt away and followed after the Captain. "I've upset you." He said certainly as he caught up.

Jim stopped and turned slowly. He sent the Vulcan a smile and laughed. "Sometimes you are very infuriating, my friend." He shook his head slowly and started down the hall. "But no. You haven't upset me. Forgive me. I'm just tired."

Spock matched his pace. "Acceptable."

Jim glanced sideways at the Vulcan, smiling. He laughed again and shook his head. He continued down the hall towards his quarters and said nothing more.

"Captain." Spock was content that he hadn't upset the Captain. But he wasn't convinced that something wasn't wrong. "Can I ask what you are reading?"

Now Jim was the one to hesitate. He pace slowed until he stopped. "I don't want to tell you."

Spock stopped and turned, moving to stand in front of him. "If I've done anything to provoke mistrust…"

"No." Jim said quickly, shaking his head. He turned towards Spock's stoic gaze and sighed. "Fine." He relented, shaking his head. "It's a bit… embarrassing." He said softly, stepping closer to Spock.

Spock nodded his head. "I would not breathe a word unless it directly breaks Starfleet Law."

It was such a Spock response. Jim smiled again and nodded. "I was joking around with Lieutenant Uhura earlier. I asked her why she chose you over me."

"You wish to engage with her." Spock stated evenly, like it was the most oblivious and logical fact.

Jim was taken aback. "What? Hell no, Spock." He shook his head emphatically.

"It is logical." Spock replied in a shrugged manner. "You met her first and as we are no longer engaged, she is free."

Jim threw up his arms and pushed past him. "You just broke up a month ago!"

Spock spun around and followed. "Is that not a sufficient time?"

"No." Jim snapped loudly. Just… no." He shook his head.

Spock furrowed his brows. "Why?"

"We're friends." Jim rolled his eyes. "Friends don't date ex-girlfriends."

"There is no longer an emotional attachment. I do not understand your reluctance."

Jim stopped again and snorted. "Just say it's a human thing. No dating friend's girlfriends… past or present."

"As you say." Spock said with a nod. "You can continue."

"Just stop thinking for a moment and listen or I'll change my mind about telling you."

"Captain… I can hardly stop…" Jim started to turn but Spock stopped him. "I'll listen." He really was curious.

Jim shook his head again. "She said she found you… charming."

Spock cocked an eyebrow but said nothing, as he promised.

"You're completely annoying and infuriating and a lot of other choice words. Charming's not one I'd use." He gace the Vulcan a smile. "And she found me… she said I tried too hard. My pick-up lines were outdated."

"Pick-up lines?"

Jim paused and glanced at Spock. "Uh… a line… something you say to someone you're attracted to. You know… to sort of break the ice, I guess." He shrugged. He wasn't sure exactly how to explain it. "A conversation starter."

Spock tilted his head to the side. "Like hello?"

Jim shook his head. "No, not that direct. More of… beating around the bush. Sometimes even something generic, that could be used to try and flatter more than one person."

Spock nodded his head slightly. He didn't understand, but he wasn't sure he would ever. "Your research fervor?"

"Interesting, actually." Jim said with a nod and continued down the hall. "There are some really bad pick-up lines out there."

"And you used one of these… pick-up lines on Lieutenant Uhura when you first met?"

Jim shrugged. "I was pretty drunk. I only remember like 30% of that night. Who knows what I said to her. But I was greatly unsuccessful."

Spock slowed. "I still don't understand the purpose. What use is a pick-up line? They are lies, are they not?"

Jim rubbed at the back of his neck, thinking. He had to admit, the concept was weird. The more he thought about it... "It doesn't always have to be a lie. But usually it's stupid or corny."

Spock shook his head. "I'm afraid it is something I will never understand."

Jim rolled his eyes. "Example. This'll apply to you." He said as he pulled up just outside the door to his quarters.

Spock nodded and waited.

Jim smiled. He couldn't help but wonder what his Vulcan friend's response to such a line would be. The moment he read it, he had wanted to inquire. "Boy, you must be Jamaican. Because Jamaican me crazy." Jim could even begin to suppress the smile on his face.

Spock's only immediate reaction was to raise his eyebrows. He was silent a moment, contemplating. He didn't understand it. But clearly something about it sparked great pleasure in the Captain. It was something he needed to understand better. "This is a pick-up line?"

Jim let out a laugh and nodded. "A really bad one."

"What does it mean?"

"It's a play on words." Jim said slowly. "Jamaican? Me crazy?" He pursed his lips, thinking how to explain it. "Jamaican me crazy… it's like… an extremely crude form of saying… you're making me crazy. You're, you, ya making me crazy. So… you must be Jamaican, because ja-making-me-crazy. And love tends to make people crazy."

Spock frowned. "I see…" He said slowly.

Jim raised his eyebrows. "Do you really?"

"Yes, I believe so." The Vulcan nodded slowly. "Though I still find the custom unnecessary."

"I know." Jim laughed. "Now that I've alleviated your curiosity, I'm tired. I'll see you in the morning."

"A moment more." Spock had a thought. "This line… applies to me? Though I am Vulcan and not from the small colony of Jamaica of Earth?"

Jim nodded. "You drive me crazy most of the time."

Spock tilted his head to the side. "Captain… are you flirting with me?"

Jim smiled and clapped him on the back. "Good night Spock." He slipped inside his room and shut the door behind him.

"Fascinating."


	2. Do You Mind if I Check You Out?

Vulcan's required less sleep. It was one of the many reasons they differed from the humans of Earth. Sometimes Spock would go days without sleeping before it began to affect him. A simple meditation could refresh him as easily as a night's rest.

After his unusual and fascinating encounter with the Captain, Spock had retired to his own quarters to do some research of his own. While he still didn't see the validity of the practical application of pick-up lines, he thought he had a better understanding of them. Humans could be very shy, untrustworthy creatures. If small lies or tricks were the only way they could attract a mate, so be it. The very survival of the species could very well depend on these pick-up lines.

What had troubled the Vulcan most and kept him awake was the Captain's admission of using suck tactics himself. Spock was at a loss as to why. The Captain was a very confident man. Spock had seen that fact. From the moment he had set foot on the Enterprise, Jim Kirk had strutted around like he owned it. Even during Spock's brief Captaincy, Jim had dared to risk his job and his life to challenge him. Jim was overly confident, arrogant, smart, kind, challenging, frustrating, fascinating, and handsome. Why did he feel the need to resort to such foolishness?

Spock would inquire as soon as the Captain was awake and in the proper mood. He was determined to, in the human vernacular, get to the bottom of this.

He finished his meditation and rose. He did indeed feel rested and relaxed. But it was still much too early for the Captain. Spock would wait.

On his way to the bridge, he passed a few members of the night crew in the halls. He acknowledged them with a nod. He knew them by name but most not more than that. It was something he would regret if he felt regret. But logically, he knew there simply wasn't adequate time to familiarize himself with the near 500 crew members they had at any given time.

He slipped into the bridge silently, nodding as he passed the flight crew. He found his station empty and quickly remedied that. For the next few hours, he diverted all his attention to his terminal, checking data and calculations.

Sulu entered the bridge and relieved his station. Chekov soon did the same. Both said brief hellos to the First Officer. Uhura was the next to join them. Still no sign of the Captain, Spock noted as he looked around. He rose from his seat but was stopped as his communicator beeped. He frowned slightly at the thing as he pulled it out. Rarely was the thing used when he wasn't off-planet. "Spock here."

"Spock." The Captain's voice spoke through the tiny device.

"Captain." The man did have the perfect timing.

"Please meet me in the info deck as soon as possible."

Spock was silent for a moment. "Captain?"

"Do I need to repeat myself?"

"Oh my way."

**-X-X-X-**

Jim leaned back in his chair, a smile on his face. He was rather pleased with himself. The look on Spock's face last night, or lack-there-of. He could just imagine the Vulcan spending his night contemplating. Yes, Jim was pleased with himself. And a game was formed in his mind. He wanted to elicit an emotional response out of the Vulcan. Knock him off his feet, so to speak. Or just completely confuse him. That would work just as well.

The door slid open and Spock quietly made his way towards Jim. He stopped and stood with his hands behind his back. His expression gave nothing away as to what he was thinking.

"Ah, Spock." He smiled. "Thank you for joining me… in the Library." Jim said, rising and waving his arms around the small, empty room.

Spock eyed him but said nothing.

Jim was practically beaming as he slid closer to Spock. He circled the Vulcan, looking him up and down.

Spock turned his head slightly, his eyes following the Captain as he moved.

Jim pulled up in front of him. He crossed his arms and leaned back slightly, smirking. "I don't have a library card, but do you mind if I check you out?" He asked smoothly.

Spock piqued his eyebrows. "Checking out is a human colloquialism. To check-out someone meaning to look them up and down, judging based on appearance."

Jim's arms dropped and he straightened up. "Uh…"

"Library card…" Spock continued in his lecture voice. "A primitive concept where one would use a plastic card to gain knowledge by borrowing a book from a library. A library being a place of study, filled with paper volumes. An archaic and time-consuming form of expanding one's mind."

Jim stared blankly at him. But he slowly began to nod. "Yeah."

"You're equating attraction to a possible mate to that of borrowing a book to obtain knowledge. Quite clever. Knowledge is a trait highly sought after."

Jim rolled his eyes and slapped him on the back. "A game, Spock. This is a game. You're spoiling it!"

Spock frowned. "I am?"

Jim walked past him towards the door. "You're thinking too much."

"Fascinating."

Jim laughed and shook his head. "Come on. We're needed on the bridge."

"I was already on the bridge when you interrupted me."

"Just come on."


End file.
